Feeling Great

Feeling great this morning! Slowly forgot the pain and sad. I love myself more today.

I WILL NEVER LOOK BACKWARD ANYMORE!!

We are really broke up this time. I won't look back and hope for any single thing from him anymore. We ended up by a call last night. Actually I was having a yum cha session with cy last night. We decided to go find him to have a clear talk. So when I reached his house, I called him. He didn't answer my phone call until the second time I called again. But when he picked up the call , I had put down de. So I called and called again, but he had switched off his phone. After 5 mins, he called e back. I told him that I was outside of his house. But he answered coldly" Why you come? I'm not free and not at home". He was in Malacca now. He chased me back home. When almost reached my house, I called him again and asked why he wants to keep hurting me and what he is actually want. He just said that " U are so annoying. Even I want to sleep now , also you still disturbing me. He said " I don't want anything, Its clear enough, its clear enough " . Although he doesn't say out the word of breaking up but he is actually meant it. He said he loves to work rather than spend time with me. He dont want to see me or hear my voice anymore and just cut off the call. I was totally hurt by each word that he said to me. I did cried. And I was so lucky that cy was there for me last nite. It will be a night mare for me. I deleted all his pic, message and his phone number. And I am stop using the 016 line and passed it to cy.

Awaken this morning by fears and pain. Let me remember this pain and stop fooling again.

I Hate him

I told myself not to blame or hate him.
But the minute right now, I do really hate him.
I hate him treated me in this way.
I hate everything of him.
I hate him.

I want to be FREE....

I need to be stop thinking about me and him. I need to stop all the unnecessarry feeling. Its only make me feel hard and sad. I dont want to contribute or workout in this relation anymore. We are nothing happen, don't worry. Just I had some idea on starting my new happy life without him. What he had let me felt was I m not his gf anymore. shit...hate it.

A guy that had ruined my happy life ,and then threw me a miserable live. Shit...Who the hell he think he is?? When he needs someone , I must be there?? When I need him, he is always not at there for me!!! WTF !!!! I am not going to be the fool person anymore. I don't want to be sad and suffer anymore. I want my life back. I want to be free....

Comment

I was very doubtful yesterday bout whether should ask him out to settle our problems. Finally, I texted him for dinner. I didn't tell him that is actually a discussion because I 'm sure that he will avoid it.He was so happy and replied me asap.

So we met up. ( I know u gals will started mumbling on me now, especially the tall lady among my group, hahaha). Throughout the night, he was very careful in whatever he did and speak cause I didn't showing my lovely face. I got so many things to tell him, but till the end ,i ate up all my words. Our problem is still a problem. Although from the surface we are still look good just like last time but now I am trying to let go some of my feeling and dependent on him. I scared to be hurt anymore.

While on the way back home, he asked me " Do you think that I couldn't provide you any security?" and I answered "yes". Then we had stopped our conversation. I dont know why everytime I just couldn't speak out what is on my mind. Can anyone teach me..sigh

At least I'm still worth for someone

People asking me why I still love him after he treated me bad. At first, I really don't know how to answer them. I've asking myself too, why I still like him so much. I couldn't find the answer.

People asking me what had made you missing him so much. I did think wisely about what made him so special in my life. I couldn't find the answer too.

People telling me that it's time for me to let go of him because he is really not worth it. I am repeating in persuading myself to accept the crucial facts. I coudn't solve the problem .

People telling me that they are so heart broken too after listen to my story. I am so sorry for their feelings and caring. I know that they just want me to own the best but no the sadness. I couldn't do anything on it too.

I love these people. They are always the stars that accompany me throughout the unhapiness and even giving me support, hopes and dreams. I knew that my life is not only him, and I still have my family and friends. I am really appreciate to have them.

Every night before I get into sleep, I'm telling myself should forget him and have a new start for my life. But it usually so opposite when I get up from the bed next morning. Then I will have a bad mood for the whole day.

I should stand up and make myself more independent. I shouldn't keep thinking the past. The past is only can be a part of my memories. And these memories can used as a lesson and make me grow up more.

No idea at ALL

I got no any response from him after I told him that I'm sick. He didn't text me yesterday. Sometimes I really wandering what he wants actually. If you said he dont like me, he can just not asking me out or text me. But why when I tried to give him response, he never appreciate it and take the chance to talk to me. I don't know why he acted warm when I dont care him and acted cool when I do care for him.

The reason why my heart is still not die for him is because I never get an answer from him. An answer whether give me heart broke or an answer to keep me alive. I don't know what he want and I can't guess it too.

I wanted to asked him out for a clearer picture. I don't want to guess and suffering on my own. My life is ain't healthy now. On the other hand, I' m so scared to please him out with me, I scared of rejecting and heart break one more time.

SICK

I received his text at 8pm last nite. He said that he is just finished work, asked for a plan tonite. I saw his message at 1030pm. I did replied him a message at11 something. I just said that " I m sick". I dont know why I still text him.

I felt pain once I woke up this morning. I never feel pain for the past few days. My mood is low and make me miss him some. Maybe is because I'm sick and feel like wanting someone to be with me.

Follow My Heart

I received a text from him last nite , 9pm.

J: B back to KL de?

But I never reply him. Someone told me not to reply him, never and ever. The other told me maybe he wants both of us cool down on past few days that's why now only he texts me. Whatever the answer is, I just want to follow my heart now.My heart told me not to bother his message. Not to response his text. And I am telling myself that not to be regret on the decision that I had made. No matter whether we will be together or apart, the best idea now is not to hurt myself anymore. I had borrowed some books from one of the friend. Whenever I feel missing him or feeling lonely, I will read those book. Recently I am reading a book title " Loving him without Losing you". I think it's quite a nice book. It can help and teach me how to love and treasure myself more.For those who are now or going to involve in a relation, they should also have some idea in loving your man while not losing themself. In the book it mentioned that, no matter how strong you are, once you found someone that you love, you slowly will losing yourself and some specific characteristic of your own. So gals, beware and not losing yourself in a relation.

梁静茹-别再为他流泪

你走了太久一定很累
他错了不该你来面对
离开他就好就算了心情很干脆
他其实没有那么绝对

远一点你就看出真伪
离开他不等于你的世界会崩溃
转个弯你还能飞

就别再为他流泪

别再让他操控你的伤悲
就算有一点愚昧一点点后悔
也不要太狼狈
他不值得你的泪

把那遗憾留在大雨的街
你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追
以后为自己醉以后管他是谁

每段感情都非常珍贵
他的好你就放在心扉
记得有个人曾让你那样的心醉
你笑了照亮夜幕的黑
什么梦都不比你的美

多少年以后想起他还有些体会
那些你已无所谓

I don't want to be the CLOWN anymore

I'm the clown who had cried for many times.My face discovered with my tears and keep looking backward. This is ain't healthy and I knew it shoudn't be me. I want to tear out the crying clown face and put on a new happy and smiley face. I don't want to be the clown any more. I don't want to please him and lose my pride at the end. I don't want to escape from the facts and reality. Its too pain and he is not mine anymore. I don't want to be the clown anymore. I want to earn back my pride and values.

A Broken Day

13/3/09, Friday

A day that totally tear my heart into few pieces. A day that also made me more tougher for not looking backward and please for him anymore.I can forgive him for making me sad but not fooling me around. We dated for an outing after work. I texted him before I went out from my house. When I almost reach his shop, I did texted him again. He just replied and asaid he is at PJ now. So after 40 mins, about745pm, I texted and called him but he never reply nor return call.After bout 25 mins, I called him again. He just spoke a sentence of words when he picked up the call " Can you please dont keep making me sick" and cut off my call. I gave myself 10 mins to calmed down in the car. Within this 10 mins , I hope for a lot of thing. But it never come true. So I made up my mind of not waiting for him, that time was about 825pm. I drove and cried. I don't care whether others will see it or not. I was totally destroyed.

10pm, he texted me .

J : where are you now?

K: on the way back home.

J: k

I had turned off my phone after this conversation.

15/3/09,

I tot I would received his apologize or some good nite text after the incident. I think I was totally too wrong and think too much. After I home from Johor, I checked my 016phone. It was nothing not even a message...I think I should know why already.

Love is fade, he is fake. Left me alone with the broken heart. I guess he has a new partner. Someone that he felt more suitable. I am only a burden for him. He choose to leave. I have no point to stop him. Cause he don't appreciate my love anymore.

I really hope I m die my heart for him. I hope I won't change my mind.

But I scared I will contact him. I scared that I lose him and lose for my pride.

3 Processes in Love

Is he still want to continue in this relation, I don't know.

Is he still putting hope in this relation, I wouldn't know.

Am I still want to continue this relation, I don't know.

Am I still putting hope in this relation, I wouldn't know.

I should know the answer.

I shouldn't ask for an answer.

My love had fade.

My pride had gone.

Love starts of Fate.

Love comes with Fake.

Love ends because of Fade.

And this is my Love to you, its gone through the three processes which including tears, sad, anger, mistrust, not accepting and....HATE

A text for him

I texted him last night. It was a very long message. The message that I wrote was what i refered to the book of " Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus".

Dear,

I am angry that you ignored me. I am angry that you don't want to spend time with me and always busy. I am angry that we don't spend time together and there is always something more important than me. I want to feel you love me. I am sad that you don't want to be with me. I feel like you wouldn't know if I wasn't there. I am sad that you always busy and don't want to talk to me. I feel hurt that you do not care for me anymore. I don't feel special. I am afraid that you don't even know why I am upset. I afraid of sharing my feelings with you cause I am afraid that you don't care and will reject me.I am afraid that we drifting apart and I am a burden for you. I am afraid that I am too boring for you and I am afraid that I can't do anything about it.I am afraid that you don't like me. I feel so embarrassed wanting to spend time with you when you don't even care.I am sorry that I sounds demanding.I am sorry that I am not loving and accepting.I am sorry that I was cold when you don't want to spend time with me. And I am sorry that I stop trusting your love.I do love you. I wanted to do something to please you.I want to spend some special time together. I still want to have a special day with you just like we had last time. I forgive you being so indifferent to me.I forgive you that not responding right now.I don't know how long I still can holding on. But this moment right now, I do really need you. I love you and miss you but you will never know.


And this was his reply :

I know and I can feel it. I don't know how to show my love to you...


Conclusion :

I feel hurt , sad and confused. I don't know what he actually trying to say here. I don't know.

Healing Heart

The foolish person is healing her heart. And it was me. I took up the piece of plaster and stick it on my broken heart. I don't know whether its works but I really hope it is.

The plaster is so much smaller than my broken heart. I dont know whether it can cover up all my wounds, and I don't know how long I need to take to heal my pain.

It is a process that I must go through. I know I will go through but just the matter of time. One week , one month or more than that? I wouldn't know.I wouldn't know.

Still Bleeding Love

My heart is broke. It doesn't broke into two pieces but splitted to different sizes. It's truly horrible when I looking to my heart. It turning to ugly and uglier each day. Its still continue bleeding non stop.

I hope I can pick up all the broken pieces and fix it back. I want my heart back. I don't want to suffer, sad, hate and cry anymore. I WANT MY HEART BACK!!!! A heart without pain.

I know I must be strong. No one can help me, only myself can pull it back to the normal track.

HATE

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU.....

I really hate you but I can't stop missing you. I want to stop falling for you. I want to stand up and walk by myself without you anymore.

You never know how much I hate and love you.You just don't know and not willing to understand. You can walk along the sideway by your own without me...but I really can't.

I look like a foolish person to keep waiting for your texts or calls. I really hope you can try to understand my feelings but you never and ever.

You treated me nice and sweet when we just started. You made me feel like I'm the queen for you. But why when I tried to treasure you as my only dear, you had changed your behaviour?

I keep telling myself not to put anymore hope and shouldn't continue with my foolish actions. But my heart is keep betraying my brain.

I hate being illness.

I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF